This one is going to hurt...

This is going to be a tough one. In fact, I have been trying to keep my emotions on ice. Losing people is always hard, but when I was 19 and I lost my grandmother, I was so traumatized by losing her, my brain changed. My brain blocked out the entire month from being notified of her death, to after her funeral. Ever since this experience, I have not been able to feel when it comes to the deaths of loved ones, not like before. I actively bury the pain, and keep myself composed to stay strong. This is how I protect myself from the Tsunami of emotions, that will eventually hit me, and destroy me.

A few weeks ago, I got a call that I had been dreading. My grandpa has less than 6 months to live. My grandpa has had a bad year, having multiple amputation surgeries on his leg and 9 months in a Rehabilitation hospital, unable to see my grandma, except for in between monthly doctor visits for 10 minutes. This broke my heart because my grandparents love for each other is so big. They are best friends and hate being without each other.

When I was growing up, my father was not in the picture after age 8. The one, constant male figure was my grandpa. He has always been like a dad to me.

Into adulthood, my grandpa has always been my best friend. We even have matching tattoo's. I got my "no shit schwindt" tattoo first and my grandpa loved it so much he eventually got it too. How many people can say they have matching tatt's with their grandpa?

I am so grateful that my grandpa got to meet my husband and my kids. He absolutely adores Bryan, but I mean, how can you not. He has made sure to let me know for my entire life just how proud he is of me, and the life I have built. I think in a perfect world, he would have loved it if we could move in right next store to him. I think we all would have loved that too.

And now, I'm not sure what I am going to do without him in this world. I do not have many family members I am close to, so I feel like I am going to be alone when he is not around anymore. I cannot find the words right now. So, instead, here are photos.